Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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