just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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