I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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