i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
