I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
