my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
