One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
