i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
