Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
even my farts smell like vagina
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
