i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
