That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
