The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
