Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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