Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
