I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
