He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
