watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
