Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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