i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
