just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
