He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
