3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
