So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
