I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
