Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
