stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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