why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
