This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
