if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
