Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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