he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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