chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
