fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
