had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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