If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
