you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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