I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My life is pants optional.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
