the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
