I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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