I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
