Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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