Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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