someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
