I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
