so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
