Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
