I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
