I met the friendliest cop last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
