And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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