I just pynch a tree in the face
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I touched a dick in church today
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
