Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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