oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
