I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
